Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Some fun thoughts for today

# We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

# When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

# You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.

# Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

# I intend to live forever. So far, so good!

# Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.

# Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

# The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once.

# Early to rise, and early to bed
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead.

# I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

# The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

# Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

# Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

# The problem with reality is a lack of background music.

# Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

# We�re all in this alone.

# Life is a mixture of proteins and preservatives all trapped into a pale, green, gelatinous goo.

# I was born at a very early age.

# It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

# So just what are time flies, and why do they like an arrow?

# Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

# Life is the process of losing our illusions, until we finally lose the illusion
that we are alive.

# The surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.

# Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

# Living right doesn't make you live longer. It just makes it seem like longer.

# Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

# The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

# To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

# Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.

# Knock hard. Life is deaf.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Funny one liners on relationships

1. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

2. I think, therefore I'm single.

3. If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.

4. Something tells me that I shouldn't date until the world makes sense again.

5. Divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

6. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

7. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

8. Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.

9. Misery doesn't love company... Nowadays, it insists on it.

10. If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

11. Always remember: one good turn gets most of the blankets.

12. Everyone needs to be loved. Especially when they don't deserve it.

13. I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met.

14. Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.

15. Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

16. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

17. A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

18. Love means telling you why you're sorry.

19. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

20. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

21. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

22. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

23. Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

24. Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you're not getting any.

25. Someone once told me that love makes the world go 'round. Well, I just had to laugh in their face because, c'mon, everyone knows that what makes the world go 'round is a mutant gerbil on a treadmill.

26. Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

27. Marriage is a fine institution. but I don't think I'm ready to be put in an institution yet.

28. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

29. I'm still single because my family-in-law cannot have children.

30. I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.

31. He broke my heart...so I broke his jaw.

32. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.

33. Love is a merry little elf who dances a jig, then turns on you with a machine gun.

34. Women are like hurricanes: when they come they're wet and wild, and when they leave they take the house and the car.

Friday, March 16, 2007

TGIF -- lets have some few smiles and laughs

1. Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.

2. You can't scare me, I have children.

3. It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It's how he found out.

4. Be nice to your kids, they're the ones that choose your nursing home.

5. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.

6. Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

7. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

8. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.


9. An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult.

10. God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends.

11. My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

12. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.

13. Rap is crap, rock is great, we all have come here bound by fate, high school sucked but we�re still alive, we�re the class of 2005!

14. The more you disapprove, the more fun it is for me.

15. I lost my mind! I think my kids took it.

16. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am my mother after all!

17. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

18. My Mother is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips!

19. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Few laughs and smiles for your Wednesday

1. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

2. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

3. Money can't buy happiness; but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Money can't buy love; but it can rent a very close imitation.

5. Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

6. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

7. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

8. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

10. Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.

11. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

12. I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.

13. There's nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income.

14. All I'm asking is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

15. ...And you thought happiness wasn't affordable!

16. A penny saved is not worth it.

17. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

18. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery
wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Few smiles and some laughs to get you going today

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

8. I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are missing.

9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

10. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

15. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

16. Procrastinate Now!

17. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?

18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

22. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the
memory.

23. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

24. The trouble with life is there's no background music

25. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

26. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Funny One Liners on Computers

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

The nice thing about Windows - it does not just crash; it actually displays a dialogue box and lets you press OK first.

Error : Press any key except.. no, No, NO NOT THAT ONE!

Any system or program, however complicated, when looked at in exactly the right way will become even more complicated.

To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner.

C code. C code run. Run, code, run! PLEASE!

Programmer: An ingenious device that converts caffeine into code.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

--- If you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ---

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Do files get embarrassed when they're unzipped?

My life needs a rewind/erase button.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.

A life… cool.. where can I download one of those?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

After months of training, when you finally understand all of a programs commands, the new revised edition arrives with a new command structure.

/earth: file system full.

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Artificial Intelligence: The art of making real computers act like the ones in movies.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.

Error 7.0b1 - The item could not be deleted because it was missing.

There are two major products to come out of Berkley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

There are two ways to construct a software design. Make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies; or make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.

UNIX: when you can't afford the very best.

A fail-safe circuit will destroy all other circuits.

The important things are always simple.

The simple things are always hard.

Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Computers will never replace books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

The world will end in five minutes. Please log out.

WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.

COFFEE.EXE is missing. Insert cup and press any key.

Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

General Failure's Fault. Not Yours.

Hit any user to continue.

Scandisk is now checking your hard drive. You can start praying.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe halted.

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Why can't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"?

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

Robots will be able to buy happiness, but in condensed chip form.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Miles of Smiles - to end a wonderful weekend

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Montana: At least our cows are sane!

More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.

My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Lets start this wekend with some laughs

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Double your drive space. Delete Windows!

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're
told.

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Have a few smiles if not laughs with these one liners

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Assassins do it from behind.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Death is hereditary.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Laugh and the Work World Laughs With You

Many of today's work environments are rife with moody bosses and co-workers, repetitive tasks and unpredictable market pressures. Stress abounds. Managers often tell me they can’t afford the time or cost for my humor workshops; how can they afford not to address workplace stress.

We know clinically that laughter and play have medicinal qualities, offering physical, psychological and physiological benefits as well. In the workplace, humor and fun can increase productivity, encourage creativity, enhance team building, and thus improve esprit de corps.

While we may not be able to control everything that happens to us in our jobs and work environments, we do have control over how we choose to react. I coach others how to create an environment which is safe and friendly, and use humor to help maintain a healthy balance between the pressure and seriousness which comes from high stakes jobs and a competitive marketplace. Remember that humor starts from within. Being able to laugh at your own foibles goes a long way toward creating a healthy work climate in which to flourish.

The following are activities and strategies for you as individuals, workgroups and managers. Be creative and use these ideas to stimulate your own remedies to workplace stress.

- Adorn your work area with cartoons, headlines or funny photos which bring a smile to your face and visiting co-workers'. Whether you're surrounded by your favorite Pez dispensers childhood, or wry cartoons that speak to your tastes, let your work area comfort and humor you while taking some of the edge off the standard office decor.

- Tap a co-worker to be your humor-partner. Bring a daily joke to share. Commiserate about funny workplace events. Keep each other buoyed with good cheer. When the chips are down your humor partner can chip away at your depression, and vice versa.

- Don't think cubicles limit your humor options. I've seen shower curtains, umbrellas and other devices used effectively to set a light or semi-serious tone. For some, creativity flourishes behind their cubicle's shower curtain. People tampering with your work area? Don't get angry…protect it with yellow "Crime Scene" tape!

- Subscribe to a humor website to be e-mailed a free daily or weekly humorous story, joke and anecdote. Sites such as www.netfunny.com/rhf/ or www.oraclehumor.com/ are two examples.

Are You Laughin' At Me? One manager, known for his moodiness, acknowledged it with a "Mood-O-Meter" outside his door. Both he and his employees took turns forecasting his mood: from fire-breathing to variable clouds to periodic eruptions…proceed at your own risk. Don't underestimate the power of self-effacing humor for making yourself more accessible and liked.

Room for Laughter. Some companies designate a room, work area or corner of their office as a romper room, where frolicking and silliness is allowed. Whether yours has a punching bag, games, a dartboard or foosball, it's a room for letting off steam and taking a break from the grind.

Whine Not. Everyone loathes whiners yet we all need to blow off steam periodically. One group of creative trainers and their manager decreed Thursdays to be effective whining days. They self-policed themselves the rest of the week, making sure not to whine. Yet even their Thursday gripes had a departmental sanction and somehow seemed healthier. After all, they belly ached together. A ripple effect actually improved the morale of departments adjacent to theirs!

Meting Out Humor. Many professionals approach meetings with trepidation. A dash of humor can make a difference. For regular meetings earmark one or two minutes each meeting for a humorous interlude. In one workgroup a "humor hand" rotates from meeting to meeting. Employees take turns setting a lighter tone to the meeting, insuring everybody is engaged. An anecdote, verbal or physical activity focuses the group on the task at hand and brings colleagues together in a spirit of fun.

When not to use Humor. Not all humor is good humor. Humor that hurts, ostracizes or is cruel will have a detrimental effect on others and you. Strive for humor that is inclusive, creative and captures our human essence. By now you know that sexist, racist, ageist jokes and crude humor are not only inappropriate, but can lead to sanctions, termination or even lawsuits. Be sensitive when telling jokes involving terminations, reductions in force (RIFs) and personal tragedies. Their hurt can linger long after the fact. . When in doubt…leave it out!

Appropriate humor can make hard tasks easier, collaborations fun and certainly make workdays go faster. Laugh, and the work world laughs with you!

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Funny One Liners for Wednesday

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

WORK One-Liners:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing. The generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.

In every organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired.

Never quit until you have another job.

I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

To err is human; to forgive is against company policy.

Follow your dream; unless it's the one where your naked at work during a fire drill.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

There are only two enterprises that refer to their customers as "users," and one is illegal.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

Stress is when you wake up screaming, and realize you hadn't gone to sleep yet.

Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

A procrastinator's work is never done.

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Louie".

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Funny One Liners for the weekend

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

Mind intentionally left blank...

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Born Free........Taxed to Death.

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Funny One Liners for the weekend

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Meandering to a different drummer.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

A GOOD JOKE IS ITS OWN REWORD

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Banning the bra was a big flop.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

*Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

* Alarms: What an octopus is.

* Dockyard: A physician's garden.

* Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

* Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

* Pasteurize: Too far to see