A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.
When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.
Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Just some things I think about now and then....
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
***In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.****(my personal favorite!)
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Funny Bumper Stickers
Stop Following Me!
I may be slow, but I'm in front of you!
If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Life is too short, have dessert first
Suburbanites pave over trees, then name streets after them.
All Men are Idiots and I Married their King.
Some days you're the bug,
and other days you're the windshield!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Boldly going nowhere
CATS: The other white meat
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
I'm an imbecile and I vote
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Boldly Going Nowhere
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit .. Got It!
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I may be slow, but I'm in front of you!
If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Life is too short, have dessert first
Suburbanites pave over trees, then name streets after them.
All Men are Idiots and I Married their King.
Some days you're the bug,
and other days you're the windshield!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Boldly going nowhere
CATS: The other white meat
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
I'm an imbecile and I vote
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Boldly Going Nowhere
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit .. Got It!
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Funny One Liners for today
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Bad spellers of the world untie.
Friction is a drag.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.
I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Bad spellers of the world untie.
Friction is a drag.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.
I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Monday, February 26, 2007
Funny One Liners
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off
What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer
What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "
Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick
There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
A cloud
What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off
What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer
What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "
Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick
There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
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