Monday, February 25, 2013

Beat the Monday Blues


After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!

Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?

They say that patience is a virtue, well I have been patient all my life and look where it's got me.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I do...

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.

If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger ...

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

Marriage is the transference of misery from the woman to the man.

Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

If you don't go out on the limb... how are you going to get the good apple?

Studies have proven that 6 out of 7 people enjoy gang rape.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

Integrity is Everything. I'll sell you mine for fifty bucks.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Enjoy Weekend with these Funny One Liners

1. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
2. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
3. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
4. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
5. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
6. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. 
7. I can handle pain until it hurts.
8. No matter where you go, you're there.
9. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
10. It's been Monday all week.


11. Gravity always gets me down.
12. This statement is false.
13. Eschew obfuscation.
14. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
15. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
16. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
17. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
18. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
19. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. 
20. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


21. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
22. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
23. A day without sunshine is like, night.
24. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
25. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
26. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
27. Life is too complicated in the morning.
28. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
29. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
30. Ask me about my vow of silence.


31. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
32. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
33. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
34. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
35. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
36. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
37. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! 
38. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
39. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
40. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Hollywood Squares


1. Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose? 
    Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn’t I?

2. Peter Marshall: According to Good Housekeeping Magazine, Lucille Ball was 40 years old before she                 had her first what? 
   Paul Lynde: Red hair.

3. Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk? 
   Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won’t go up to your apartment.

4. Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, what did Little Bo Peep’s sheep leave behind       them? 
   Paul Lynde: Well, Simple Simon thought they were bread crumbs!

5. Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to six weeks       maternity leave? 
   Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.

6. Peter Marshall: What do you call a bull that can’t have kids? 
   Paul Lynde: Anthony Quinn.

7. Tom Bergeron: Bruce, you’re the most popular fruit in America. What are you? 
   Bruce Vilanch: Humbled.

8. Peter Marshall: Wally, what is the signature phrase of the cartoon character Underdog?
   Wally Cox: Where are my residuals?

9. Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White… was she a blonde or a brunette? 
  Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure…

10.John Davidson: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy? 
   Joan Rivers: Adopted.   

11.Peter Marshall: In the Shakespearean play King Lear, King Lear had three of them – Goneril,    Cordelia, and Regan? Who were they? 
   Paul Lynde: King Lear had Goneril?

12.Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it “our great hope in a confusing and ever-   changing world.” What is it? 
   Paul Lynde: Pampers.

13.Peter Marshall: To the people of Italy, what is “the poe?” 
   Paul Lynde: The opposite of “the rich.”

14.Peter Marshall: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking.    What? 
   Charley Weaver: Not drinking.

15.Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it? 
   Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

16.Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you…” Something you    what? 
   Paul Lynde: Purchase.

17.Peter Marshall: The great Sphinx has a human’s head, but whose body? 
   Rose Marie: Milton Berle’s.

18.Peter Marshall:  Is it possible to housebreak an elephant? 
   George Gobel:  Yes, but don’t try it during a newspaper strike.

19.Peter Marshall:  Who said, “Richard Nixon was the most difficult man I ever had to paint?” 
   Charlie Weaver: Earl Scheib. [A company which specialized in repainting automobiles]

20.Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work?” 
   Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell… or Linda Lovelace.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Relationships


An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.
-Mark Twain

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
-Frank 'Kin' Hubbard

I have some distant cousins that got sucked into one of these pyramid schemes – you know, building them in Egypt.
-Myq Kaplan

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
-William Dean Howells

Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.
-Andy Warhol

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow’s sister.
-Josh Billings

I was dating this girl once for a few weeks, and the first time she saw my penis, she said, ‘Is everything a joke with you?’
-Jeffrey Ross

Yeah, I’m kind of lazy… I’m dating a pregnant woman.
-Mires Yori

Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye
-Cynthia Heimel

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend… the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying – under another man.
-Doug Benson

Our grandpas swapped horses.
-Country expression

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain’t nothin’ can beat teamwork.
-Edward Abbey

At least fifty percent of the human race doesn’t want their mother-in-law within walking distance.
-Margaret Mead's Law of Human Migration

Blood’s not thicker than money.
-'Groucho' Marx

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.
-Jeff Foxworthy

She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of women to proclaim ownership).
-O. Henry

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.
-Jeff Stilson

I’ve reminded the prime minister—the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.
-George W. Bush

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.
-Thurgood Marshall

Adam was the luckiest man: he had no mother-in-law.
-Mark Twain

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Relationship One Liners


My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn’t like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 1. a date, 2.his wife, 3. a better looking and richer male friend.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that’s where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

Marry your son when you will, but your daughter when you can.

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Committee: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I used to be afraid of relationships; someone would ask me out and I’d say, ‘Just take my purse, don’t hurt me!’

I come from a stupid family… during the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

You’ll meet someone.. someone very special… someone who won’t press charges…

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…






Monday, February 18, 2013

Today's One Liners



I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Funny Signs



Fun, humor is all around us in the form of funny signs, bumper stickers etc. All we have to do is being a little more observant and we can spot them all over in our travels. Here are some that I observed:

At a service station - we have topless service - our boss is bald.

At a dry-cleaner - drop your drawers here!

At a radiator shop - best place to have a leak!

On a septic tank service truck - we haul American-made products.

At a used car lot - Why go elsewhere to be cheated - come here first!

On a farmer's fence - the farmer allows walkers to cross the meadow free, however the bull charges!

On a 2nd hand shop window - we exchange anything, bicycles, washing machines etc., why not bring in your wife and get a good deal!

In a public washroom - toilet out of order - use floor below!

Sign in a laundromat - please remove all your clothing when the light goes out!

On a farm gate - Beware! I shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left!

Logan Septic Tank Service - satisfaction guaranteed or double your 'kakka' returned!

On an electrician's truck - let us remove your shorts.

On a Maternity room door - 'push, push, push!'

In a restaurant window - Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up!

At a gyncologist office - Dr. Jones. at your cervix.

At a Plastic Surgeon office - Hello, can we pick your nose?

On a septic tank truck - 'Yesterdays meals on wheels!'

On the wall of a Baltimore estate - Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent - Sisters of 
Mercy.

Outside a country shop in West Virginia - we buy junk and sell antiques.

In a Texas funeral parlor - ask about our lay-away plan.