Saturday, May 19, 2007

Funny and Stupid Quotes

Stupid Quotes

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there."
- Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Amazing Funny Facts and Funny Ideas

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.



Just some things I think about now and then....

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

***In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.****(my personal favorite!)

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Monday, April 9, 2007

101 All time funny liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

6. Never answer an anonymous letter.

7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.

8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

21. Nuke the Whales.

22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?

31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42. I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.

44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.

47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.

49. All generalizations are false.

50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

57. I can handle pain until it hurts.

58. No matter where you go, you're there.

59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

60. It's been Monday all week.

61. Gravity always gets me down.

62. This statement is false.

63. Eschew obfuscation.

64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.

66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.

69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.

70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

73. A day without sunshine is like, night.

74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

76. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

77. Life is too complicated in the morning.

78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.

79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

80. Ask me about my vow of silence.

81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.

83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.

89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

93. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I

94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.

95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."

97. Evolution: True science fiction.

98. What's another word for "thesaurus"?

99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Funny ones for this spring break!

1. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

3. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

4. The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.

5. Clones are people two.

6. Coffee, chocolate, men.. Some things are just better rich.

7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.

8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

9. No doubt exists that all women are crazy. It's just a question of degree.

10. A real person has two reasons for doing anything: the good reason, and the real reason.

11. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

12. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

13. Most people aren't as deep as my toilet bowl.

14. Real men know the value of duct tape.

15. Real men wear pink. Why? Because their wives make them.

16. Despite the proportional number of eyes and ears to mouths, people will talk twice as much as they pay attention.

17. Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything... but you can't help laughing when you push them down the stairs.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Funny one liners to start work week

1. There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.

2. Trust the driver - but keep your seatbelt on.

3. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

4. The tire is only flat on the bottom.

5. Man who run in front of car get tired.

6. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

7. Drinking and driving is the biggest cause of vehicle damage in the world. Special effects are a close second.

8. You can get -anywhere- in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.

9. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

10. Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

12. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

13. Into every life, some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

14. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

15. A tree only hits an automobile in self-defense.

16. Drive carefully; it�s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

17. They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

18. My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..

19. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

20. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

21. One day, you're going to look back on this... and then plow into a parked car.

22. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Some fun thoughts for today

# We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

# When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

# You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.

# Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

# I intend to live forever. So far, so good!

# Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.

# Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

# The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once.

# Early to rise, and early to bed
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead.

# I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

# The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

# Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

# Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

# The problem with reality is a lack of background music.

# Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

# We�re all in this alone.

# Life is a mixture of proteins and preservatives all trapped into a pale, green, gelatinous goo.

# I was born at a very early age.

# It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

# So just what are time flies, and why do they like an arrow?

# Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

# Life is the process of losing our illusions, until we finally lose the illusion
that we are alive.

# The surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.

# Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

# Living right doesn't make you live longer. It just makes it seem like longer.

# Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

# The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

# To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

# Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.

# Knock hard. Life is deaf.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Funny one liners on relationships

1. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

2. I think, therefore I'm single.

3. If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.

4. Something tells me that I shouldn't date until the world makes sense again.

5. Divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

6. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

7. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

8. Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.

9. Misery doesn't love company... Nowadays, it insists on it.

10. If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

11. Always remember: one good turn gets most of the blankets.

12. Everyone needs to be loved. Especially when they don't deserve it.

13. I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met.

14. Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.

15. Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

16. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

17. A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

18. Love means telling you why you're sorry.

19. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

20. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

21. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

22. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

23. Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

24. Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you're not getting any.

25. Someone once told me that love makes the world go 'round. Well, I just had to laugh in their face because, c'mon, everyone knows that what makes the world go 'round is a mutant gerbil on a treadmill.

26. Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

27. Marriage is a fine institution. but I don't think I'm ready to be put in an institution yet.

28. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

29. I'm still single because my family-in-law cannot have children.

30. I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.

31. He broke my heart...so I broke his jaw.

32. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.

33. Love is a merry little elf who dances a jig, then turns on you with a machine gun.

34. Women are like hurricanes: when they come they're wet and wild, and when they leave they take the house and the car.

Friday, March 16, 2007

TGIF -- lets have some few smiles and laughs

1. Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.

2. You can't scare me, I have children.

3. It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It's how he found out.

4. Be nice to your kids, they're the ones that choose your nursing home.

5. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.

6. Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

7. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

8. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.


9. An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult.

10. God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends.

11. My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

12. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.

13. Rap is crap, rock is great, we all have come here bound by fate, high school sucked but we�re still alive, we�re the class of 2005!

14. The more you disapprove, the more fun it is for me.

15. I lost my mind! I think my kids took it.

16. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am my mother after all!

17. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

18. My Mother is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips!

19. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Few laughs and smiles for your Wednesday

1. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

2. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

3. Money can't buy happiness; but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Money can't buy love; but it can rent a very close imitation.

5. Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

6. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

7. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

8. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

10. Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.

11. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

12. I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.

13. There's nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income.

14. All I'm asking is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

15. ...And you thought happiness wasn't affordable!

16. A penny saved is not worth it.

17. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

18. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery
wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Few smiles and some laughs to get you going today

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

8. I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are missing.

9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

10. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

15. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

16. Procrastinate Now!

17. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?

18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

22. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the
memory.

23. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

24. The trouble with life is there's no background music

25. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

26. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Funny One Liners on Computers

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

The nice thing about Windows - it does not just crash; it actually displays a dialogue box and lets you press OK first.

Error : Press any key except.. no, No, NO NOT THAT ONE!

Any system or program, however complicated, when looked at in exactly the right way will become even more complicated.

To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner.

C code. C code run. Run, code, run! PLEASE!

Programmer: An ingenious device that converts caffeine into code.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

--- If you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ---

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Do files get embarrassed when they're unzipped?

My life needs a rewind/erase button.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.

A life… cool.. where can I download one of those?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

After months of training, when you finally understand all of a programs commands, the new revised edition arrives with a new command structure.

/earth: file system full.

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Artificial Intelligence: The art of making real computers act like the ones in movies.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.

Error 7.0b1 - The item could not be deleted because it was missing.

There are two major products to come out of Berkley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

There are two ways to construct a software design. Make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies; or make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.

UNIX: when you can't afford the very best.

A fail-safe circuit will destroy all other circuits.

The important things are always simple.

The simple things are always hard.

Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Computers will never replace books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

The world will end in five minutes. Please log out.

WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.

COFFEE.EXE is missing. Insert cup and press any key.

Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

General Failure's Fault. Not Yours.

Hit any user to continue.

Scandisk is now checking your hard drive. You can start praying.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe halted.

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Why can't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"?

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

Robots will be able to buy happiness, but in condensed chip form.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Miles of Smiles - to end a wonderful weekend

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Montana: At least our cows are sane!

More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.

My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Lets start this wekend with some laughs

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Double your drive space. Delete Windows!

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're
told.

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Have a few smiles if not laughs with these one liners

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Assassins do it from behind.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Death is hereditary.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Laugh and the Work World Laughs With You

Many of today's work environments are rife with moody bosses and co-workers, repetitive tasks and unpredictable market pressures. Stress abounds. Managers often tell me they can’t afford the time or cost for my humor workshops; how can they afford not to address workplace stress.

We know clinically that laughter and play have medicinal qualities, offering physical, psychological and physiological benefits as well. In the workplace, humor and fun can increase productivity, encourage creativity, enhance team building, and thus improve esprit de corps.

While we may not be able to control everything that happens to us in our jobs and work environments, we do have control over how we choose to react. I coach others how to create an environment which is safe and friendly, and use humor to help maintain a healthy balance between the pressure and seriousness which comes from high stakes jobs and a competitive marketplace. Remember that humor starts from within. Being able to laugh at your own foibles goes a long way toward creating a healthy work climate in which to flourish.

The following are activities and strategies for you as individuals, workgroups and managers. Be creative and use these ideas to stimulate your own remedies to workplace stress.

- Adorn your work area with cartoons, headlines or funny photos which bring a smile to your face and visiting co-workers'. Whether you're surrounded by your favorite Pez dispensers childhood, or wry cartoons that speak to your tastes, let your work area comfort and humor you while taking some of the edge off the standard office decor.

- Tap a co-worker to be your humor-partner. Bring a daily joke to share. Commiserate about funny workplace events. Keep each other buoyed with good cheer. When the chips are down your humor partner can chip away at your depression, and vice versa.

- Don't think cubicles limit your humor options. I've seen shower curtains, umbrellas and other devices used effectively to set a light or semi-serious tone. For some, creativity flourishes behind their cubicle's shower curtain. People tampering with your work area? Don't get angry…protect it with yellow "Crime Scene" tape!

- Subscribe to a humor website to be e-mailed a free daily or weekly humorous story, joke and anecdote. Sites such as www.netfunny.com/rhf/ or www.oraclehumor.com/ are two examples.

Are You Laughin' At Me? One manager, known for his moodiness, acknowledged it with a "Mood-O-Meter" outside his door. Both he and his employees took turns forecasting his mood: from fire-breathing to variable clouds to periodic eruptions…proceed at your own risk. Don't underestimate the power of self-effacing humor for making yourself more accessible and liked.

Room for Laughter. Some companies designate a room, work area or corner of their office as a romper room, where frolicking and silliness is allowed. Whether yours has a punching bag, games, a dartboard or foosball, it's a room for letting off steam and taking a break from the grind.

Whine Not. Everyone loathes whiners yet we all need to blow off steam periodically. One group of creative trainers and their manager decreed Thursdays to be effective whining days. They self-policed themselves the rest of the week, making sure not to whine. Yet even their Thursday gripes had a departmental sanction and somehow seemed healthier. After all, they belly ached together. A ripple effect actually improved the morale of departments adjacent to theirs!

Meting Out Humor. Many professionals approach meetings with trepidation. A dash of humor can make a difference. For regular meetings earmark one or two minutes each meeting for a humorous interlude. In one workgroup a "humor hand" rotates from meeting to meeting. Employees take turns setting a lighter tone to the meeting, insuring everybody is engaged. An anecdote, verbal or physical activity focuses the group on the task at hand and brings colleagues together in a spirit of fun.

When not to use Humor. Not all humor is good humor. Humor that hurts, ostracizes or is cruel will have a detrimental effect on others and you. Strive for humor that is inclusive, creative and captures our human essence. By now you know that sexist, racist, ageist jokes and crude humor are not only inappropriate, but can lead to sanctions, termination or even lawsuits. Be sensitive when telling jokes involving terminations, reductions in force (RIFs) and personal tragedies. Their hurt can linger long after the fact. . When in doubt…leave it out!

Appropriate humor can make hard tasks easier, collaborations fun and certainly make workdays go faster. Laugh, and the work world laughs with you!

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Funny One Liners for Wednesday

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

WORK One-Liners:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing. The generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.

In every organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired.

Never quit until you have another job.

I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

To err is human; to forgive is against company policy.

Follow your dream; unless it's the one where your naked at work during a fire drill.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

There are only two enterprises that refer to their customers as "users," and one is illegal.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

Stress is when you wake up screaming, and realize you hadn't gone to sleep yet.

Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

A procrastinator's work is never done.

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Louie".

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Funny One Liners for the weekend

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

Mind intentionally left blank...

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Born Free........Taxed to Death.

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Funny One Liners for the weekend

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Meandering to a different drummer.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

A GOOD JOKE IS ITS OWN REWORD

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Banning the bra was a big flop.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

*Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

* Alarms: What an octopus is.

* Dockyard: A physician's garden.

* Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

* Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

* Pasteurize: Too far to see

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Amazing Funny Facts and Funny Ideas

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.



Just some things I think about now and then....

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

***In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.****(my personal favorite!)

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Funny Bumper Stickers

Stop Following Me!

I may be slow, but I'm in front of you!

If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

Life is too short, have dessert first

Suburbanites pave over trees, then name streets after them.

All Men are Idiots and I Married their King.

Some days you're the bug,
and other days you're the windshield!

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Boldly going nowhere

CATS: The other white meat

Don't be sexist - broads hate that

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Boldly Going Nowhere

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit .. Got It!

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Funny One Liners for today

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Friction is a drag.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

My husband and I divorced over religious

differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Monday, February 26, 2007

Funny One Liners

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer

What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.