A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.
When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.
Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Just some things I think about now and then....
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
***In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.****(my personal favorite!)
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Monday, April 9, 2007
101 All time funny liners
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Funny ones for this spring break!
1. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
3. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
4. The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.
5. Clones are people two.
6. Coffee, chocolate, men.. Some things are just better rich.
7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
9. No doubt exists that all women are crazy. It's just a question of degree.
10. A real person has two reasons for doing anything: the good reason, and the real reason.
11. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
12. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
13. Most people aren't as deep as my toilet bowl.
14. Real men know the value of duct tape.
15. Real men wear pink. Why? Because their wives make them.
16. Despite the proportional number of eyes and ears to mouths, people will talk twice as much as they pay attention.
17. Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything... but you can't help laughing when you push them down the stairs.
2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
3. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
4. The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.
5. Clones are people two.
6. Coffee, chocolate, men.. Some things are just better rich.
7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
9. No doubt exists that all women are crazy. It's just a question of degree.
10. A real person has two reasons for doing anything: the good reason, and the real reason.
11. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
12. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
13. Most people aren't as deep as my toilet bowl.
14. Real men know the value of duct tape.
15. Real men wear pink. Why? Because their wives make them.
16. Despite the proportional number of eyes and ears to mouths, people will talk twice as much as they pay attention.
17. Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything... but you can't help laughing when you push them down the stairs.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Funny one liners to start work week
1. There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
2. Trust the driver - but keep your seatbelt on.
3. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
4. The tire is only flat on the bottom.
5. Man who run in front of car get tired.
6. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
7. Drinking and driving is the biggest cause of vehicle damage in the world. Special effects are a close second.
8. You can get -anywhere- in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
9. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
10. Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
12. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
13. Into every life, some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
14. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
15. A tree only hits an automobile in self-defense.
16. Drive carefully; it�s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
17. They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
18. My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..
19. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
20. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
21. One day, you're going to look back on this... and then plow into a parked car.
22. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
2. Trust the driver - but keep your seatbelt on.
3. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
4. The tire is only flat on the bottom.
5. Man who run in front of car get tired.
6. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
7. Drinking and driving is the biggest cause of vehicle damage in the world. Special effects are a close second.
8. You can get -anywhere- in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
9. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
10. Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
12. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
13. Into every life, some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
14. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
15. A tree only hits an automobile in self-defense.
16. Drive carefully; it�s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
17. They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
18. My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..
19. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
20. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
21. One day, you're going to look back on this... and then plow into a parked car.
22. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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