You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
WORK One-Liners:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing. The generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
In every organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired.
Never quit until you have another job.
I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
To err is human; to forgive is against company policy.
Follow your dream; unless it's the one where your naked at work during a fire drill.
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
There are only two enterprises that refer to their customers as "users," and one is illegal.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
Stress is when you wake up screaming, and realize you hadn't gone to sleep yet.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
A procrastinator's work is never done.
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Louie".
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