Relationships

An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.
-Mark Twain

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
-Frank 'Kin' Hubbard

I have some distant cousins that got sucked into one of these pyramid schemes – you know, building them in Egypt.
-Myq Kaplan

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
-William Dean Howells

Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.
-Andy Warhol

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow’s sister.
-Josh Billings

I was dating this girl once for a few weeks, and the first time she saw my penis, she said, ‘Is everything a joke with you?’
-Jeffrey Ross

Yeah, I’m kind of lazy… I’m dating a pregnant woman.
-Mires Yori

Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye
-Cynthia Heimel

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend… the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying – under another man.
-Doug Benson

Our grandpas swapped horses.
-Country expression

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain’t nothin’ can beat teamwork.
-Edward Abbey

At least fifty percent of the human race doesn’t want their mother-in-law within walking distance.
-Margaret Mead's Law of Human Migration

Blood’s not thicker than money.
-'Groucho' Marx

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.
-Jeff Foxworthy

She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of women to proclaim ownership).
-O. Henry

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.
-Jeff Stilson

I’ve reminded the prime minister—the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.
-George W. Bush

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.
-Thurgood Marshall

Adam was the luckiest man: he had no mother-in-law.
-Mark Twain