Relationship One Liners

My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn’t like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 1. a date, 2.his wife, 3. a better looking and richer male friend.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that’s where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

Marry your son when you will, but your daughter when you can.

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Committee: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I used to be afraid of relationships; someone would ask me out and I’d say, ‘Just take my purse, don’t hurt me!’

I come from a stupid family… during the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

You’ll meet someone.. someone very special… someone who won’t press charges…

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…